1:20 am

today has been so much, yet so little.

i was productive in some ways. school wise, i did well! i did my work. i have some assingments left but it will be okay. im comfortable with where i am. i feel myself yearning for the comfort i have previously felt. i lay in bed, room cold, wishing that the warmth of the blanket covering me would make me feel something like how it used to. im older. i feel gross. im old and im older and im old but i am just now realizing what it meant to be a child. i am tired of being an object to this world sometimes. i cant seem to stop it though. this is cheesy and dumb but whatever lmfao

i want to feel comfortable, however the thought of people viewing me in ways i know they have and do makes my skin crawl. im nauseous when i think too hard about it. reminds me of when i was a kid, i thought nauseous meant lightheaded. i would always insist i was nauseous despite the fact that it was always just me being orthostatic or something. anyways, idk. idk why im writing this! maybe i will keep it up. probably not. which is fine, i guess. mitski is on now lmfaoooooo i just want a hug but also to never ever be seen ever again. to crawl into a hole and vanish as i am now?! idk.

i want to be naked. i dont mean my body; im floating away.

some things cosmic, angel olsen

i have been stuck in my home for almost two weeks now.

i grew up by the beach! i am still by the beach! but now i am snowed in. california is weird. mountains are weird. my neighborhood was on national news. crazy tbh!!!!! got out of the house a little today for the first time in two weeks, but even that sucked. the snow forms these huge white walls that you cannot see over. its stressful.

i had a nightmare about her again last night. not unusual! esp cuz i had a pretty vivid flashback yesterday. i wish i could properly talk about things without feeling silly. oh well! sorry i left u diary. i will try to remember to update u more.

go back to a time when i was just a girl; when i had the whole world gently wrapped around me.

a lot's gonna change, weyes blood

not sure what the hell is wrong with me!

things are fine, im fine. but also i keep freaking out over nothing! triggering myself for no reason. regardless, the weather is nice. the rain makes me feel at ease. looking at u again, diary, makes me remember how nostalgic warm browns and the smell of dew make me feel. like a baked good in the oven- something cheesy like that.

i miss my boyfriend. ah!!!! its been forever since ive seen him. drivin me up a wall. i remmeber when we first got together and every time he would leave i would cry and feel so embarassed about it. im not as emotional now, about that at least, but it still gets to me after a while D: augh!!!!

with the headlights pointed at the dawn.

1979, the smashing pumpkins

im so tired!

weird. i feel like such a failure. im so tired, all the time.

things are stressful and i cant crawl outta this hole. but theres bigger things happening? so i cant care?But also maybe im just saying that to feel bad for myself. Man! idk. oh well! how are you diary? sorry its been a few months. i will probably start using you more. this feels good, to talk aimlessly to the void that is you. i was doing so well, you know? i was recovering. one night can make that feel like it is all so fleeting. im so close to relapsing, diary, but what good would that do? but, also, would it help? i don't know. i'm not sure! i am so tired. so tired. i want to be enough, to be perfect, to have everything that people want and need of me. i cant though.

open up your heart and stay; so far away

all the angels, mcr